Hi there. I feel like we might have gotten off on the wrong foot yesterday, when you were shouting into your cell phone, blocking two aisles and apparently convening the goddam UN Security Council to discuss the merits of organic asparagus while I was wishing under my breath that you would fall into a deep, deep pit and stay there, with Dick Cheney, for eternity.

So, I just want to propose a few ground rules so that we can all play nice and nobody has to get stabbed, m’kay?

• The express lane items limit is neither a suggestion, a minimum, nor an average. I don’t care if you’re “in a hurry,” “just going to be real quick” or “suffering massive internal bleeding.” Get in a different line.
• If you leave the checkout line for whatever reason, you automatically lose your spot. Yes, it sucks, but everyone’s not just going to stand around while you spend five solid minutes pondering the exactly ideal shade of banana. Go to the back of the line.
• The ratio of employees to shoppers at 5:30 on a weekday is approximately 1 billion to one.. Don’t wait until you get to the front of the checkout line to ask if they’re out of vegetable frittatas. If the vegetable frittata shelf is empty then yeah, they’re out. Come back later.
• In the parking lot: Do not put your car in reverse, honk furiously and expect me to back up three car lengths because you see a spot about to open up. You missed it. Better luck next time.
• A personal check? Seriously?
• And to the woman whose high-decibel cell phone conversation included, “Well of COURSE he has to have a colostomy, it was so close to his rectum!” please consider Peapod.com.

See you all next week!

Love,

Me