Urbzen

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Here at Urbzen, we don’t believe in drinking games because we don’t need anyone to tell us to finish our drinks, thankyouverymuch.  Instead, we’re playing Election Night Bingo, in honor of the geriatric Floridians who will likely decide the presidential race, once again. 

How to play: Print out and distribute the cards. You’ll probably want to give more than one to each player since the large number of variables makes the odds of a bingo pretty small. As your TV network of choice calls states (pres) or races (senate, gov), mark of the corresponding square on your card(s). 

Right click and select “Save As” if you don’t want to navigate away from this window.

Election Bingo cars 1-20 (pdf)

Election Bingo cards 21-40 (pdf)

Election Bingo cards 41-60 (pdf)

Election Bingo cards 61-80 (pdf)

Election Bingo cards 81-100 (pdf)

Election Bingo cards 101-120 (pdf)

Election Bingo cards 121-140 (pdf)

Election Bingo cards 141-160 (pdf)

Election Bingo cards 161-180 (pdf)

Cards print four per page; Each PDF is five pages.

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(without actually having to do very much work)

Crunch time: One week until election night, and once again, the only people who have invited you to a watch party are your parents, your office social committee, and creepy Phil whose ‘06 party included you, a foreign exchange student named Klaus and a bunch of his World of Warcraft friends.

What’s a gal to do?

Easy. You’re going to throw your own party. It’s going to be easy, chic, and for those who lay off the sangria, unforgettable.

Here’s what you need:

• Some fruit (apples, oranges, lots of limes), sliced
• 1 cup white sugar
• 1 bottle of light rum, like Bacardi Silver
• 1 bottle dry red wine (cheap is fine, I get mine at Big Lots)
• 1 cup orange juice
• 1 12 oz can club soda
• 1 2L bottle of Coke
• a handful of fresh mint (a large bunch in the produce section at the grocery store is about $2)
• a handful of fresh basil (same deal)
• a couple roma tomatoes
• 3-4 frozen cheese pizzas

Find two glass pitchers (you can find great ones at thrift stores for under $10). In the first, combine fruit (save a couple of limes), half the sugar, 1/3 of the rum, all of the wine, and the OJ. Voila, sangria. In the second, combine half the remaining limes, remaining sugar, 1/3 of the rum, half of club soda, and a fistful or two of mint (smush it around a little to release the flavor). Voila, mojitos. Use the Coke, remaining rum and remaining limes to make Cuba Libres, because you are an elitist who hates America.

While you’re still sober enough to wield a knife, slice the roma tomatoes into thin wedges, arrange on the pizzas and bake according to package directions. When they’re done cooking, toss some chopped basil on top and serve.

Now, put on your favorite cable news channel (bonus points if you can play multiple stations on multiple teevees), pour yourself a tall glass of whatever, and enjoy the first election in a long while that doesn’t end with a six-day hangover, an $800 therapy bill and four more years of international shame.

WASHINGTON–Secret Service officials announced today that for security reasons, Sen. Barack Obama will make all public appearances enclosed in a giant bulletproof hamster ball for the duration of the 2008 presidential campaign.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, sources close to the Illinois senator confirm tonight that, following a foiled assasination plot, Obama has agreed to be outfitted with a 7′-diameter transparent sphere constructed from the material used by the Vatican to create the Popemobile.

Campaign officials confirm that they are also outfitting Vice Presidential nominee Sen. Joe Biden with a sphere, which will be entirely soundproof.