Urbzen

Keep your eye on Urbzen for sexy Inauguration updates live from Washington, DC.  For even more awesome inaugural goodness, follow me on Twitter.

In the name of public service and inspired both by our impending trip to the nation’s capital (and Capitol) and by Wonkette’s coverage of Wax Barack Obama’s tour of DC grocery stores, your friends at Urbzen have slaved day and night to create a snazzy interactive map of Washington DC’s various Safeways. The map includes photos of each Safeway as well as a brief explainaition of the store’s  nickname, which DC residents use to feel “insidery.” 

Click the image below to launch the Interactive Guide to Washinton DC Safeways

Additional info on the District’s Parade of Safeways can be found at DCist and Gridskipper. Happy shopping

Tim: Finishing a condo bust feature, getting ready for Gitmo.

me: Maybe you should do a piece on the impending Gitmo real estate bust?

Tim: Actually, I’ve got this GREAT condo in Gitmo if you’re interested …

me: Does it have a pool? I’m thinking of taking up waterboarding.

Tim: Oh yeah. And a temperature-control chamber. I mean, a sauna.

me: Sounds lovely. Are the neighbors nice?

Tim: Very quiet. You’ll never hear from them. In fact, you can’t legally have a conversation with them.

me: Perfect. I’ve always wanted to live in a gated community. I hope my illegal Peruvian houseboy won’t raise any eyebrows, though.

Tim: Just make sure he’s never seen with a Koran and he’s probably OK.

me: He’s not allowed to read.

 
If you can remember way back to, oh, November or so, you’ll remember the dark, early days of the Puppycam, back when the earth only had one litter of puppies to amuse us, to soothe us, and to otherwise distract us from our work. But those dark days are gone! The success of the original puppycam has inspired legions of others, ushering in a New Age of Cute during these difficult times.

As a public service, your friends here at Urbzen have rounded up the very best in puppycam goodness from all of the interwebs. May you never be without a wiggly, live-streamed litter of puppies again.

You can navigate over to Puppycam Central by clicking the link, or use the button in the nav bar above. It takes a moment to load, but I promise, it’s worth the wait.

Mainly regarded as a glorified rest stop, Blythe, CA, population 16,162, is home to two state prisons, award-winning webmaster Floie Barrows and, evidently, the stingiest McDonalds ever:

Stay classy, Blythe. Stay classy.

Now that any team that anyone could possibly care about is out of the AFC playoff picture, it would be easy to give up on the 2008/2009 NFL season in favor of watching old episodes of Reba on DVD, alone, in your basement. But take heart. Your friends here at Urbzen have crafted a handy flowchart to help you find your new favorite team. We’ll start with the AFC, and I’ll upload the NFC later, if I feel like it.

2009 AFC Playoff Flowchart (PDF)

*You can read Part 1 of this post here

First off, a big thanks you all of the blog readers, tweeple and assorted other internet types for your humor, support and overall service as a release valve during the past week or so. Without you all I no doubt would be sitting in Arapahoe County lockup, awaiting trial on multiple felony indictments.

That said, here are some lessons learned during the past week:

• Unless you chose your bridesmaids based on body type alone, there is no single style of dress that is going to flatter everyone. On the other hand, there are several styles that flatter absolutely no one.
• You can call it sage or celedon or anything else, but when cast in ruched taffeta it just looks like cabbage.
• Nobody wants to drop $250 on a cabbage suit.
• If the high on your wedding day is 22 degrees, don’t take the formal pictures of your wedding party outside.
• If you do take them outside, don’t expect anybody to smile.
• No, we don’t want to take “a fun one.”
• Really? You spent $15K but you couldn’t spring for anything beyond Miller Lite and Sutter Home White Zin?
• Seriously, white zin? Does this look like a double-wide?
• It is one of the world’s greatest injustices that men get to go out for a wild night of bachelor party shenanigans, while women are subjected to utter banality of a “bachelorette brunch.”
• And forgive me if I don’t get all giggly when the obligatory bottle of KY appears.
• If I’m required to wear it to the ceremony, it doesn’t count as a gift.
• Finally, if you throw a bouquet at me, don’t be surprised when I throw it back. Hard.

To be honest, I didn’t have a completely horrible time at the wedding (the bachelorette brunch was a different story altogether), and I still can’t believe that my baby sister is now somebody’s wife.

Also, does this get me out of going to her graduation in May?

Using the latest in cutting-edge internet technology, Urbzen is able to bring you an virtual-reality simulation of a recent day in the life of your beloved blogger/whiner/author:

Step 1: Stare intently at the photograph below.

2. Continue staring for the next eight to ten hours. Bonus points if you get a friend to dump buckets of sleet on your head at random and unpredictable intervals.

3. The end.

Now, though, we are safe and sound in a $33/night motel in Albuquerque which technically only allows one pet per room, but at only 44 lbs of aggrigate dog, I think we’re in the clear.

Henry has already gotten comfortable: