Urbzen

*You can read Part 1 of this post here

First off, a big thanks you all of the blog readers, tweeple and assorted other internet types for your humor, support and overall service as a release valve during the past week or so. Without you all I no doubt would be sitting in Arapahoe County lockup, awaiting trial on multiple felony indictments.

That said, here are some lessons learned during the past week:

• Unless you chose your bridesmaids based on body type alone, there is no single style of dress that is going to flatter everyone. On the other hand, there are several styles that flatter absolutely no one.
• You can call it sage or celedon or anything else, but when cast in ruched taffeta it just looks like cabbage.
• Nobody wants to drop $250 on a cabbage suit.
• If the high on your wedding day is 22 degrees, don’t take the formal pictures of your wedding party outside.
• If you do take them outside, don’t expect anybody to smile.
• No, we don’t want to take “a fun one.”
• Really? You spent $15K but you couldn’t spring for anything beyond Miller Lite and Sutter Home White Zin?
• Seriously, white zin? Does this look like a double-wide?
• It is one of the world’s greatest injustices that men get to go out for a wild night of bachelor party shenanigans, while women are subjected to utter banality of a “bachelorette brunch.”
• And forgive me if I don’t get all giggly when the obligatory bottle of KY appears.
• If I’m required to wear it to the ceremony, it doesn’t count as a gift.
• Finally, if you throw a bouquet at me, don’t be surprised when I throw it back. Hard.

To be honest, I didn’t have a completely horrible time at the wedding (the bachelorette brunch was a different story altogether), and I still can’t believe that my baby sister is now somebody’s wife.

Also, does this get me out of going to her graduation in May?

Using the latest in cutting-edge internet technology, Urbzen is able to bring you an virtual-reality simulation of a recent day in the life of your beloved blogger/whiner/author:

Step 1: Stare intently at the photograph below.

2. Continue staring for the next eight to ten hours. Bonus points if you get a friend to dump buckets of sleet on your head at random and unpredictable intervals.

3. The end.

Now, though, we are safe and sound in a $33/night motel in Albuquerque which technically only allows one pet per room, but at only 44 lbs of aggrigate dog, I think we’re in the clear.

Henry has already gotten comfortable: