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O Hai!

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. Next update on Monday.

You’re truly an amazing athlete. And I’m glad you don’t have cancer anymore.

But you’re still a dick.

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[Ed. note: I'll be out of the country all next week. I'm going to set some stuff to auto-post, but I apologize in advance if I don't respond to your emails or comments right away. Have a happy Thanksgiving!]

Since the days of Burma-Shave and the Victrola, advertisers have used jingles to worm their way into their customers’ conciousness. Advertising has gotten a lot more sophisticated since then, but these insipid anthems still have the power to hijack our brains in a way few other strategies can.

As consumers, we like to think that we’re not so easily manipulated, and maybe you’re not. But try to read the following lines to yourself without also humming the tune:

• My bologna has a first name, its O-S-C-A-R
• What would you do for a Klondyke bar?
• Give me a break, give me a break, break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat Bar

See?

Recently, the Gods of Marketing added two more jingles to our playlist from hell: Subway’s “Five Dollar Footlong” and Toyota’s “Saved by Zero.”

Launched earlier this year, “Five Dollar Footlong” has met with largely good, if exhasperated, reviews. It also seems to have had a dramatic impact on sales of, you guessed it, $5 footlongs.

“Saved by Zero,” on the other hand, has recieved a downright chilly reception. In place of the bemused irritation of the Subway campaign, reactions to “Zero” have been much more hostile. Why?

It’s not that “Zero” is inherently more annoying than “Footlong”–at least it doesn’t come with corresponding dance moves. Instead, the reason “Zero” makes viewers’ teeth itch is that we don’t really know what this musical beast that’s taken residence in our heads even wants from us.

Saved? By zero? From what? What does that even mean? And what the hell does it have to do with a Toyota? 

The beauty of the jingle is it’s simplicity. If you get me humming “Five. Five dollar. Five dollar footlooooong,” my takeaway is that I can get a footlong for five dollars. If I’m humming it around lunch time, I just might march myself right into a Subway. Conversely, walking around humming “Saaaved by Zeeroooo,” isn’t going to get me to do anything besides grind my teeth. It doesn’t make me think about why I might want a Toyota, and in any case, I tend to purchase automobiles with a bit more gravity than I do my lunch.

Unfortunately, it looks like “Zero” is going to be here for a while, so you might as well carve out a little cranial real estate, maybe next to the ever-popular “I got my baby back baby back baby back baby back… Chiliiiiiii’s baby back riiibs…”

Oops. I hope I didn’t get that one stuck in your head.

It was January 20, 2004, the night after the Iowa caucuses, and I was at the Raccoon River bar in downtown Des Moines with a couple dozen fellow Edwards staffers, drinking, reminiscing, and debating what we’d do next.

Up at the bar, I got to talking with a guy who happened to be from the same city as me. He was trying to recruit me to come work for a US Senate candidate named Blair Hull, essentially a shoo-in and the Next Big Thing in the Democratic Party.

Hull was an attractive candidate, the kind of guy it’s easy to campaign for. The Women’s Sports Foundation had named him “Title IX Dad of the Year” and he enjoyed the support of organized labor and Emily’s List. Plus, he was largely self-financed and had a double-digit lead.

I decided against joining the Hull campaign, opting instead to go back to school and finish my final semester. Things didn’t work out for Hull. A month before the election, his divorce papers were unsealed, revealing a history of domestic violence, the campaign unraveled, and he ultimately lost the Democratic primary to a little-known state senator named Barack Obama.

Because of their head-to-toe fur coats and the fact that they are descended from the hearty wolf, many pet parents assume that their dogs are immune to the chill of winter. But today’s domestic canines are a far cry from their lupine ancestors, and for many breeds, a trip out into the cold feels very much like it would for you in your birthday suit.

Of course, the doggy definition of potty training and your furry pal’s need for daily exercise means you can’t eliminate outdoor excursions altogether during the winter months. But since dogs can’t speak up and ask for a venti hot chocolate whenever the mercury drops, it’s up to you to know when and how to winterize your pooch.

Does your dog need protection? Arctic breeds like the husky, malamute, Akita, Samoyed, jindo and chow chow obviously thrive in the cold, as do mountain breeds like the Great Pyrenees, Saint Bernard and Bernese Mountain Dog. Shepherds, collies and hard-coated terriers like the Airedale and the Westie are also reasonably well equipped to ward off the chill.

Some breeds, on the other hand, need a little help staying warm. Any breed with well-defined muscles, little fat and a short coat is going to catch a chill very easily. Boxers, greyhounds, pitbulls, Dobermans and whippets are all highly sensitive to the cold. More than anything, pay attention. Like people, dogs shiver when they get too cold—this is a sign they need additional protection.

The most important part of keeping a dog warm is insulating their core; everything from the neck to the shoulders down the back to the hips should be covered. On a cold, dry day, a well-made sweater will do the trick. In a storm, or if your pooch likes to romp in the snow, opt for something waterproof, like a jacket or parka.

Your dog’s feet can also be a cold weather hotspot. Be sure to keep the fur between the paw pads trimmed to prevent snow and ice from accumulating there, and check the paw pads frequently for signs of injury or frost bite. Some dogs also are sensitive to the deicing chemicals used in many cities. If your pooch’s feet look red or raw, consider providing some protective booties.

Any time the air temperature drops below 40 degrees, bring your “outside” dog inside. Remember, modern dogs are the result of hundreds of years of selective breeding, not wild animals that are able to cope with the elements. If it’s too cold for you to stand outside in a sweater or light jacket, it’s too cold to leave your dog out there for any length of time. Have a heart, and bring them inside.

Finally, in the winter months you should make absolutely certain to keep your pooch on a leash any time you go outside. Snow and cold dampen smells, making it much more difficult for dogs to sniff their way home if they get lost. Also, cold days and even colder nights make even a few hours away from home far more dangerous in the winter than in milder months.

From bounding through the snow to biting icicles off the fence, winter can be a great time to be a dog. With a little knowledge and the proper preparation, the coming winter will be a safe, fun and even stylish time for the whole pack.

Hi. This is awkward.  Well, awkward for you anyhow. You might have noticed that I recently terminated our friendship on Facebook. Please try not to be too upset. This decision is by no means a reflection on you or on the validity of your thoughts, feelings, and posted items. I’m just really, really tired of hearing about them. The reasons for your termination include the following:

• Status updates that could apply to every single person on Facebook. Really, you hate Monday? You’re glad it’s Friday? You’re looking forward to the long weekend? Well somebody alert the goddam media.
• Using your status updates solely as a vehicle to promote your website, consulting company or crocheted cat sweater store on Etsy. Violation will be considered particularly flagrant if accompanied by a sleazy headshot and words like “Deals” or “Opportunity.”
• Gratuitous banality.
• Overuse of exclamation points and/or emoticons. If you need them to tell me how! happy! you are!!!!!! you should probably just work on becoming a more effective writer !!!
• Missing the irony
• The sincere belief that song lyrics express your unique emotions
• Repeatedly harassing me about your lil green patch. I do not want to know about the size and/or color of your patch. 
•  Posting things everyone has already seen, fifteen times, more than a week after we saw it. What? Sarah Palin made an ass of herself with Katie Couric? Well let me get right on THAT.
• I never actually liked you anyway.

Please note that the above list of Facebook Friend Violations (FFV) is not intended to be exhaustive and that we reserve the right to terminate friendships for any reason and without prior notice. Kthx.

…but he is dreaming dreams of mischief.  And presents.

There’s nothing quite like a winter Sunday. Football is on, chores are done(ish), the dog’s asleep, and it’s cold enough out that no one can make you feel guilty about “wasting” the day inside.

On days like this, I crave comfort food–the culinary equivalent of my favorite slippers–and one of my favorites is the classic combo, grilled cheese and tomato soup.

However, being an alleged “grown up,” I’ve made a few upgrades to the Wonder bread/Kraft Singles/Campbell’s Soup standby, so put on your slippers, bring the duvet out to the couch, and let’s get cooking.

Here’s what you’ll need:

• French bread (about 1/3 loaf)
• Danish Havarti cheese
• 1 Roma tomato
• Olive oil
• Pacific Roasted Tomato and Red Pepper soup (comes in a box; Trader Joe’s house brand is good too)

Start by cutting four slices of bread. Cut diagonally to increase the surface area. Set the remaining heel aside.

Coat one side of each slice of bread with olive oil by pouring oil onto a shallow plate and pressing the bread into it.

Cut the tomato into 1/4″ or thinner slices. Cut the cheese into small, flat pieces.

Arrange the bread, tomatoes and cheese into sandwiches in a small skillet, with the oiled sides of the bread facing out. Cook over medium heat until the cheeses is mostly melted, then flip with a spatula.

While the sandwiches are grilling and the soup is heating according to package directions, gather the heel of the bread, the remaining oil and a cookie sheet. Tear off quarter-sized pieces of bread, dab lightly in oil, and arrange on cookie sheet. Bake in 300-degree oven for about 5 minutes, or until they turn golden brown. These will be croutons for your soup.

Once sandwiches are golden on both sides, remove from heat and allow to cool. Pour soup into a bowl and top with croutons. Curl up on the couch and enjoy!

It is possible for something to be both hilarious and sad?

You don’t have to agree with Bash Back’s tactics to be flabbergasted to hear the incident described as persecution, terrorism and a siege.

Glitter by the bucketload? No, god, no!

Seriously, some people have real problems.