Urbzen

or: A Children’s Treasury of Really Terrible Ideas

In these times of economic uncertainty (or, more accurately, the certainty that things will certainly be very, very bad for a very, very long time), so-called “lifestyle” publications are scrambling to supply us with a variety of “tips” and “tricks” to help us save our hard-earned (or irresponsibly borrowed) pennies.

Leaving aside for a moment the fact that these lists generally appear in publications that charge upwards of $5 a pop for a glossy volume of two-thirds advertising and one-third “editorial” content devoted to the purchase of this season’s pile of shit you don’t need, said lists typically involve the same sort of tripe, recycled over and over again, ad nauseum: Stop buying $4 lattes! Consolidate your shopping trips to save gas! Quit heating your house by burning piles of $100 bills!

Sometimes, though, you get some real gems.  Below is Apartment Living’s 45 Easy Ways to Economize at Home

1. Wash and reuse foil wrap.
       At 99 cents a roll, you could save almost $3 a year

2. Save ‘junk mail’ reply envelopes for filing recipes, receipts, etc.
       A fun alternative to paying your bills

3. Trade things you don’t want with friends, neighbors, relatives.
       Like your wife.

4. Restrict family between-meal snacks to inexpensive and healthful in-season fruit and vegetables, home-popped corn, raisins, etc.

5. Become a ‘brown bagger’. Take your lunch to work.
       It’s not like anyone goes out with you anyway

6. Save and reuse plastic sandwich bags and paper lunch bags.
       It’s like eating yesterday’s lunch today!

7. Tie soap remnants in a piece of nylon net and use as a body sponge.

       This tip cannot be improved upon

8. Crumpled up used aluminum foil is ideal for scouring pots and pans.
       Great for stubborn,  stuck-on hobo beans

9. Paper towels are expensive. Use washable cloth dish towels instead.
       Toilet paper is expensive, too.

10. Wash and reuse transparent plastic wrap.
       And condoms.

11. Save empty plastic food containers for storing leftovers & freezer use.

12. Don’t throw away anything. Save everything for a future garage sale.
       Because people are dying to pay for  your used up shit

12. Attend movies early when prices are generally lower.
       Catch a matinee. It’s not like you have a job.

13. Don’t buy expensive gifts. Give exotic home grown plants or bake a cake.
        Added benefit: Soon you won’t have any friends left to worry about

15. Give yourself a home permanent instead of paying top prices at a salon. 
         Head-pubes are hot this season

16. Consider cutting your family’s hair yourself.
        Because they don’t hate you enough already.

17. Use plastic bread wrappers and produce bags for freezer use.

18. Use washable cloth handkerchiefs instead of expensive facial tissues.
     Nothing says ‘thrifty’ like carrying around dry wads of phlegm in your pocket.

19. Organize a baby-sitting club with friends & neighbors. Take turns.

        For extra savings, refuse to take your kids back.

20. Think in terms of doing it yourself rather than hiring someone to do it, such as home repairs, painting, garden work, hookers, cutting the lawn, etc.

21. Swap services with friends and neighbors who can do things you can’t.
         Some of your neighbors are surprisingly flexible.

22. Take advantage of free recreation, such as picnic areas, libraries,  public tennis courts, swimming areas, parks, zoos, etc.
         This tip courtesy of SexualPredatorTips.com

23. If you’re not going out to shop, leave your credit cards at home.
         You’re over your limit anyway.

24. Learn about the many bargains at ‘no frills’ discount stores.
         Like the guy who sells Prada out of his van in Riverside.

25. Avoid spending on ‘throwaway’ items such as disposable razors, flashlights, pens, toothbrushes, paper cups & plates, diapers, cigarette lighters, kids, etc.

26. For parties, use reusable plates, cups, glasses, utensils, crack pipes, napkins-instead of expensive paper and plastic disposables.

27. Pay credit card charges when they become due so interest isn’t added.
         Like you could get a credit card!

28. When buying big-ticket items, learn all about them from consumer magazines and guides before you buy. You will be less apt to make a bad choice.

29. Garage sales and flea markets are excellent for both selling and buying.
         your body.

30. Start your children earning money at an early age.
         Seriously, this is getting too easy.

31. When buying insurance, pay the premium annually. It’s less expensive in the long run than paying monthly, quarterly or even semi-annually.
         if you have anything left to insure.

32. Check all monthly bills closely, including your bank balance. Big companies can and do make mistakes.

         And think of all the time you can waste trying to get that $1.36  credited to your account!

33. Examine your check at restaurants to make sure no error has been made.
         Also, don’t tip.

34. Buy things out of season for big savings, like after Christmas.

35. Grow your own herbs, spices and weed  in window-sill flower pots.

36. Coffee is expensive. Brew only as much as your family will drink.
        Which is a lot, since you’re all working three jobs to pay that fucking adjustable rate mortgage

37. Save and sell recyclable materials such as aluminum, paper, etc.
        Dumpsters are a great place to start!

38. Bread becomes stale more quickly in the refrigerator. Store it at room temperature or in the freezer.
        Frozen bread is delicious.

39. Learn about auto upkeep and how to do minor repairs yourself.

40. Instead of buying gorgeous house plants, get cuttings from friends.
         Have your spouse create a distraction while you subtly maul your neighbors’ ficus

41. If you need a lawyer, carefully investigate his fees in advance.
         If you didn’t have anything to hide, you probably wouldn’t need a lawyer

42. Be wary of banking gimmicks.
          Like “savings accounts”

43. Shop at discount and variety stores for biggest savings on cosmetics.

          You look like a clown-whore anyway

44. Dilute your shampoo with small amount of water – for easier rinsing.
           And be sure shower once a week, whether you need it or not.

45. Before buying anything new, ask yourself if you really need it.

           Because you are a Real American, the answer will always be Yes.